outcast

god its been so long since I've been on here. i have so much to say but i don't know how. nothing has really changed and that's whats bothering me. its like no matter how hard i try I'm still alone...i have no one i mean of course i have my boyfriend and hes an amazing person he really is but there's somethings i cant tell him and hes the only one i talk to so i don't tell anyone anything and it just sticks with me and i cant get rid of it because i have no one to vent to. i honestly have only one friend i can trust and i don't even talk to her often and i feel so alone i feel like no one cares about me like I'm just trash that everyone set aside and moved on with their lives. that's why i hate facebook all the pictures of people together having fun i feel left out. this whole break if i wasn't with my boyfriend i was home alone. i mean common! that's retarded that i cant even get out of my own house! and some days i didn't even want to go out i just thought well no ones going to call me and if i call them they wont want to see me so why bother. i have become and outcast in my own life I'm just letting everything slip right by me and I'm doing nothing about it. i don't want to go home after school because going home means being alone. i like going to school it gives me a chance to talk to at least someone other then my mother. i stay after everyday. every single day even if i stay alone just because i don't want to go home. i have lost every friend it took so long to get and i don't think i can get them back even if i tried. i know people don't like me I'm not stupid. they can Deny it all they want i know its true. I'm not peoples favorite person and I'm sure there are people the cringe at the thought of talking to me. god every time i think about how i got here i want to cry because i realize this has been my whole life! i have been like this as long as i can remember and I'M SICK OF IT! I'm sick and tired of staying home and wishing and praying that i had friends! 9th grade was the only year i had true friends. a group of people that actually wanted to be with me but that fell apart... and so did my world. my whole life i have never cried so much. i never cried because i was alone i never cried over losing people but that seems to be all i do now. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i have lost all trust in everyone. February is going to be big for me i mean really big and I'm scared! I'm terrified but i cant tell anyone because i know they'll tell someone else and then that person will tell someone and i don't want that to happen. i mean it might eventually but i want to prevent it as much as possible. only a few people know about it, my parents and 4 other people. that's it and there's only 1 person i can talk to about it and though i know they mean well but they don't know what to say so they just say alright and it doesn't help me but i guess its all my fault. i don't know maybe things will get better this year i mean it is a new start right? i can only hope for the best and brace for the worst.