faill

my whole world is crashing down around me while i desperately try to hold it all together i act like I'm fine i put on a smile and shut out the world out of my heart and i sink further and further into a black hole i don't think i can ever come back from the poem i guess you can call it i posted before was something i wrote this morning in my Spanish class and its everything that's been going on in my head for too long but yet i still have to hide everything i have to forget i make myself feel what I'm not actually feeling I'm killing myself from the inside out idk what to do anymore i justt...... fail

Let me be as i sit here and cry till my hearts stops

Hidden, deep where no one can find it, secret love...hate...lust....loss, secret. forgotten by all but one, the one that's hides it. guards it with her life, hidden from all. she paints on a smile while her heart dies. memories pain her and faces remind her while all along her heart withers away. she cries alone where no one can see her. she tries to forget, she begs and begs for freedom but it never, NEVER goes away. her fear takes over her life. her thoughts drift to alcohol. oh how she wish to be someone else to just feel different even if only for a night. she needs the pain to stop her thoughts confuse her more than anything. she tells herself what to feel, what to think, how to act...act that's all she can do. her life is one big acting game... that will kill her one day...

im sorry goodbye

i cried when you left me i cried when you confused me i cried for months then i stopped. everyday i thought of you less and less i the sight of you stopped bothering me until now... my heart stopped when i was looking through pics of an old friend and to see you standing in the background almost killed me and idk why. i guess just seeing you with people i don't like just makes me realize that you too have completely moved on and for some reason it hurts. i guess that as mature i tried to be about it i still wanted you to feel some kind of pain i kinda wanted you to hurt as much as i did. but i have to say I'm sorry i know i must have done something wrong and it took me a while but i think i figured it out. I'm sorry i put more stress on you then you needed I'm sorry i dumped all my emotions on you. I'm learning to not do that. i keep my emotions to myself for the most part. i try and act happier then i am cause the more i do that the happier i start to feel. i don't miss you i just miss the way you made me feel. and i know its more lust then love but i do miss feeling that way. i want you to do me a favor tho i want you to never lie to a girl about being friends. it really does hurt please don't do it. i hope that one day we can maybe be at the point that we can actually say hi to each other but if not that's fine. i just wanted to say goodbye in a mature way this time. i hope you learn from your past as i did and good luck in life.

lonely?... yupp

i was making the list for my sweet 16 when i realized something horribly sad. i have no friends. and i mean that too I'm not just joking i really don't have any friends and the few i do have i pulled myself so far away from idk if i can ever make it back. I've lost everything (friends wise) once the summer came around i lost 6 friends. 6! i still see them most i still say hi to but that's it 6 really close friends gone. and the other 5 i have cant say one nice word about each other. in the past year i don't think I've heard any of them say one nice thing about someone when they weren't in the room. and i cant sit here and say I'm perfect I'm not i did it too but when the person came back i didn't sit there and act as if i was there best friend. if i have a problem you know i have a problem. but now my problem isn't with the friends i have its with the friends i don't. i look at pictures of people i know but don't really hangout with and i see them with their friends and it just reminds me of how lonely i am. my friends all have fall back friends...i don't. if i lose the 5 of them that's it i will have absolutely no friends... no one. and it doesn't help that i lost my ability to trust. i stopped telling people how i feel i just leave it bottled up and how it dies but it doesn't i do. and the simple thing to do would be to tell someone right? wrong! i did that and you know what i got in return? i got dumped! i finally trust someone and they let me down. i cant stand if that happened again so id just much rather keep it where no one can find it. its sad when i have to put people on my sweet 16 list that i don't even talk to that much its SAD i have no friends and why not? cause I'm a bad friend. i know i am there is no denying it. I'm never there when they need me and even if i was i lost all capability to connect with my friends. i don't understand whats wrong with me i really don't but i know that there's something that can be fixed in me and I'll just have to live with that. whatever it is what it is. good bye...

came for hell walking to heaven

i looked back at my posts from like July and wow i have come a longg way from then. i was angry then sad and ok then pissed and its veryyyy complicatedd but now im good i dont mind seeing him in the hallway i rlly dont i just act like hes someone ive never met before and i dont mean that in a bitchy way im not mean but i just make it look like ive never seen himm beforee and it works for me. im happy with tom hes so sweet and funny and abusive. its rlly makes me laugh we play around all the timee just pretending to beatt each other. we talk when ever we can and i love hanging out with himm. i feel so safe like i did before but i learned from my past i know not to tell everything cuz maybe something i should just keep to myselff. i feel like i can act like a true idiot and no one would really care about it. my Friend drama drives me nuts and i know some of it is my fault and it will pass but there are days (Like today) when the smallest thing can piss me off more then anyone can beileve. i dont like being like that but it happens. now i have to find a song that will explain who i am and im at a loss idk what song to do but ill figure it outt. well i gg :D

Fireflies <3

You would not believe your eyes,

if ten millon fireflies,

light up the world as i fell asleep.

Cuase they fill the open air,

and leave teardrops everywhere,

you would think me rude but i would just stand and, stare.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that i'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

Cause i get a thosand hugs,

from ten thosands lightning bugs,

as they tried to teach me how to dance.

A foxtrot about my head,

a sockhop beneath my bed,

a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

when i fall alseep

Leave my door open just a crack

(please take me away from here)

Cause i feel like such an insomniac

(please take me away from here)

Why do i tire of counting sheep

(please take me away from here)

When i'm too tired to fall alseep?

To ten millon fireflies,

i'm weird because i hate goodbyes.

I got misty eyed as they said fearwell,

But i'll know where several are if my dreams get real bizzare,

cause i saved a few and keep them in a jar.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

when i fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

when i fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

i hear it in my sleep

i don't understand. i really don't. i know how i feel but i keep second guessing myself and i don't know why. i know i love him i really do, every time i think of him i smile and i get the chills (in a good way) but why is there this voice in my head say you fucked up again you fucked up again. it wont stop. day in and day out it screams you fucked up you fucked up! the most confusing thing is i don't know what i fucked up! i don't get what I'm thinking anymore i don't understand my own thoughts and its horrible!! i don't know what to do! i don't understand anything anymore I'm happy then sad then pissed then happy and all in the same fucking thought! whats wrong with me! this has been going on for so long i don't think i can take it anymore i really cant it driving me crazy! what if i did fuck up? what if ill hurt tom? what do i do then? i cant hurt him cause i know how it feels and i would neverrr do that someone ever again! but there it is that god damn voice... you fucked up you fucked up you god damn failure you fucked up every ones life... it wont stop it never does i hear it in my sleep! its in my god damn dreams! i cant make it stopp! you fucked up is all i hear all the time even when i think I'm happy its there ad when i numb its there its always there! i don't even know how to feel anymore! my life is one big roller coaster and i want off! I've drifted as far away from everyone as i could thinking that would stop it... it hasn't. I've ignored people that hurt me thinking that will stop it... it didn't. i thought my deep dark days were over but i guess not. i just keep it in now cause i learned tell someone everything can hurt you more in the end then you may think sucks i had to learn that the hard way. but now i know keep it in and no one gets hurt... no one but me.

A fear of the mind

i feel like I've been cut off. like I've been pushed away from everyone. both groups of friends i have have fallen apart one group no one talks to each other anymore and the other one no one can put 2 nice words together about each other. i feel so alone i spend most of my time alone. but the more i think about it its my fault i have pulled myself away from everyone. I'm becoming the person i feared becoming 5 months ago. i didn't want to be the person i was when i was younger yet here i am sitting home alone on a Saturday. i have locked myself away from everyone and i lost the key. i fear my emotions i really do i have 3 main emotions now pissed depressed and numb that's it. I'm afraid to think to much i fear what i might find. every time i start thinking i have to stop and put my mind on something else. my only vice is thinking about getting in shape. i finally got my friend to promise to run with me and i don't mind doing crunches at home. maybe soon I'll start to feel better maybe something will pull me out of own head.but who knows i sure as hell don't

just a kiss

i had a lovely day today. despite having the one person i don't want to around sitting not to far from me and homecoming i did have fun. i almost died going over to say hi to Brittney but then i realized you will haunt me forever but i really don't care because you don't matter anymore and i don't mean that in a mean way i really don't. its just the truth. but back to my day after homecoming i went to a friends house and we just hung out. two of my friends changed clothes and it was veryyyyyyyyy funnyyyy. we chilled outside and i listened to everyone play music which i love i find it so relaxing. we then watched anchorman which has to be the funniest movie ever made! i was cracking up the whole time! i had a wonderful time just laying next to tom i felt so comfortable and safe. i love that feeling. and the fact that he didn't try anything sexual is a great change and it actually makes me feel better i don't feel like a sex toy anymore. it was just a kiss a perfect wonderful kiss<3>

lierr!

you lied right to my face you didn't just tell a small lie once. i lied to my face many times! you said you wanted to be my friend, you said it many times but you lied. you didn't care... you don't care. i always knew that it was a possibility but to hear it form someone that it was a lie that you didn't care hurt. hurt more then anything. and now i cant bear to even look at you just to see u make that fake ass smile will just piss me off. and for the future don't you dare ever lie to a girl like that it DOES NOT MAKE IT EASIER IT MAKES IT HARDER! but you know what i don't care anymore finding out you lied let me hit rock bottom and rock bottom means you can only get better from there and i have. i can finally officially let you go. i have no room in my life for the drama you caused so I'm letting it go I'm putting it down and walking away. i refuse to look back! good byee!!

i cry for you cuz idk wat else to do <3

i don't write here often but today i feel like i have to... you say you do stupid things and you know they can hurt you yet you still do it. you said if someone talked you out of it you wouldn't do it... but u did. i told you not to. i said you would get hurt yet you did it anyway and you did get hurt didn't you. even if it wasn't as bad as it could of been you still did it and then laughed about it. you tell me you know you have a problem yet when i try to help you don't let me. i died inside when you said "face it I'll do something stupid and hurt myself really bad or even kill myself" i cried i couldn't help it. how could you not care enough for your own health to think before you do something? and i cant help you there's nothing i can do but tell you that you shouldn't do things. but you wont listen will you... no one does. my words fall on deaf ears i think i should stop talking cause its not like anyone is listening to me anyway. i do everything possible to help everyone but they don't care cause they never listen I've tried there is nothing i can do anymore. i have failed and I'm sick of failing. so do as you please but just remember this.. i love you and i care more then you will ever know <3

let me run away, i need to leave!

i feel like i want to die. i paint on my smile everyday and act as if everything is OK. its not. 3 times this week I've cried myself to sleep. and i don't know why but I'm just so frustrated i don't know what else to do i just...cry. I've been so stressed lately. I'm mad all the time and i just want to jump out a window and run away from everything. school is not helping i know I'm going to die when i see him and that's what makes me cry harder. i haven't been like this in months and all the drama people are unknowingly putting on me is killing me on the inside so not only do i have to worry bout me, my boyfriend, my family, school and dance i now have to worry about my friends that have jumped off the deep end and cant get out. there is nothing i can do but try and bring two of them together again so they can help each other cause i DON'T know what to do! there is nothing i can do and its stressing me out! plus my mom is flipping out cause my bro is going to school in like 3 days. my toes hurt like a bitch and i have to go to the Dr soon. i have to get ready for the summer reading which kills me cause i hate it! my head always hurts so bad but i cant take aspirin cause when i do take it i take too many and i fear that one day i will make myself so sick from it...maybe that's what i want i don't know i just don't understand anything! I WANT TO DISAPPEAR! i want to go far away! i want to move to a place where i can start over and forget all the things that keep me up in the middle of the night. i want it all to go away. i beg every night for it all to end. i love tom with everything in me but i still cryy and i don't know whyy. well i have nothing left in me bye

I need you, I miss you, I love you <3

HE ASKED ME OUT! oh god I'm so fucking happy! it hasn't really hit me yet like i don't really feel it but i know i will the next time i see him. that's what always happens to me. so now i know how much time it would take me to get back on my feet...2 months. that's how long it took 2 very very very very long months. now the question is when will i stop thinking of him. but its not the same way i must say its more remembering things or wishing i could ask him things but it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't feel like crying. sometimes i may want to kill him but it doesn't last long. i hung out with him alone yesterday at my house and we watched Across The Universe and Shawn of the Dead. i think he like across the universe but i don't know we weren't really watching we were talking most of the time. and he made me watch Shawn of the dead and it was sooooooooo funny i loved it! i love how hes seen most of my favorite movies. most people don't like my favorite movies but hes already seen them so i can watch them with him and he wont think I'm stupid cause of the movies i watch. he loves music he sends me a lot when we're on facebook. i like most of the stuff he sends me i mean its not stuff i would put on my ipod but if i was listening to the radio and it came on i wouldn't change it. oh and he loves my dogs no matter how annoying they get he sits there and pets them and i think its so cute. most people are like "get the dog off of me!" and i don't sometimes it bothers me but i guess not every one likes my dogs. but he does and i love that! its going to suck when i go camping and i wont see him or talk to him. but i know it will give me something to look forward to.

bliss i finally found bliss!

i found a new nick name for him and i think it fits a lot better... Mr. music man. it fits so well. god he makes me so happy! i talk to him all day and we never run out of a thing to say to each other. he can be so cute sometimes and it makes me smile the biggest smile I've ever given in months... no almost half a year. i was messed up for a while and i don't know why but Mr. music man makes me so happy he makes it all seem better. i haven't thought a bad thing in like 2 months and its wonderful! he understands everything! and when we joking around he doesn't say anything hurtful i mean i joke around and say wow your mean but he never says anything truly mean and i love that cause before i had someone that would say the meanest things then say I'm kidding. I'm glad that's over with. every time i give him a hug he picks me up. i love that i love being picked up. and he motivated me to go back to dance and I'm so happy. I've wanted to go back to dance for the longest time I've missed it so much. its my happy place and my Mr. music man motivated me to go back. I'm really excited to go back Ive missed it so much. maybe ill get most of my shape back and my flexibility. i have never been so happy in such a long time its wonderful! i love it! i still think of the last one i think of him a lot but it doesn't hurt anymore its more what i would say to him if i could be completely honest but i mean school will suck more then anything in the world but i know ill get through it i know i will.

happy? god finally!

i just had the best night that I've ever had in the longest time! i really really really like my new interest... i really need a new name for him...hmmm....happy boyy! that's what ill call him happy boy :) when I'm around him in so comfortable and just sitting next to him makes my heart jump i haven't felt like that in a really long time. he makes me feel so good so happy so alive. he means so much to me. i was talking to him while at my friends house and i don't think I've ever been so happy doing nothing just have my leg touch his makes my heart stop and i cant help but smile. it feels so good to just joke around with him and pretend to fight with him. it was the best feeling when we went to a store and we were joking around and he picked me up and carried me way. i was smiling so much my cheeks hurt. i stay up till 3 am just to talk to him and i love every second of it. he makes me so happy. he makes me forget my past. i haven't been this happy in a long time and it feels so good. his smile just lights up my whole day. talking to him every night is the perfect ending to my day. i mean i really cant think of a better way to end my day, talking to my favorite person and then passing out into a deep sleep. what in the world could be better then that! he may be crazy and odd and gets hurt a lot i still think hes awesome in every way!

NeVeR AgAiN

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me!
I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well
Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
'Cos I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all OK!


Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?!
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere!
It was you, who chose to end it like you did!
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way!
She may believe you but I never will!!
Never again!

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute!
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes, and he's through with you
And he'll be through with you!
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face!
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away!!!


Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?!
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere!
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do!
And don't say, you simply lost your way!
They may believe you but I never will
Never again!

Never again will I hear you!
Never again will I miss you!
Never again will I fall to you!
Never!

Never again will I kiss you!
Never again will I WANT to!
Never again will I love you!!!!
Never!!!!!!


Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?!
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere!
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do!
And don't say, you simply lost your way!!!
They may believe you but I never will
I never will!
I never will!!!

Never again.

Never again Kelly Clarkson

would you save me?

if you had the chance to save my life would you save it? would you let me know that your there for me? if i said i wanted to cry would you say "cry on my shoulder"? if you saw that i looked upset would you hug me and tell me you care? if i said my life is useless would you say "your life means everything to me"? if you saw the pain in my eyes would you look me in the eyes and say "your so beautiful who or what dared to make you upset"? if i told you i was having a bad day would you give me a hug and say "I'm here if you want to talk or if you just need a hug"? if you saw i was crying would you ask me if i was OK? if you thought i was lying if i said i was fine would you hold me and tell me that i can tell you anything? if you had the chance to save my life would you save it? because there was a day when i really needed someone and that was the one day they weren't there for me. i want you to know that all those small things mean more then you may understand and they could save a life.

fuck everything!

why just fucking why! it took so long and i was finally happy but then i just start remembering things and it hurts so bad! i thought i was over it but the closer i get to happy the further a way it seems. one small little thought sends me straight down hill and i don't mean sliding down hill i mean falling at top speed till i hit rock bottom and all i want to do is cry but i so sick and tired of it! i was finally happy finally happy but now its all starting all over again. the same thing the same pain i need it to stop all of it! i need it! even with my new interest the one that actually makes me happy the one that when I'm around him i smile and its not fake but then that just reminds me of how i felt at the begging of my last relationship and then i hurt again. its a never ending cycle that is going to kill me one day. i thought that the pain would stop but if I'm on facebook and i see that hes talking to someone else it hurts so much i have to log out. i don't want to feel like that but i have no choice a person cant pick how they feel i don't want to feel that way it kills me. i want him to be able to have a life just like desperately want one. it just hurts and i know that when school starts everything will hurt so much more. if i see him in the hall with someone i know for a fact it will kill me but i have to try and stay strong that's all i can do i will fail but i have to try.

make it stop!

i need to talk to him! i need to talk to my new interest hes the only thing that can help me out! i need to talk to him i need to see him he can fill the hole in my heart he can fix me or at least he can try and i need that! i need it. but hes not online the one time i really need to talk to him hes not here i feel bad because i know i keep him up late but that's when i can talk to him and i need him! wow this all sounds horrible and pushy but i have to stop thinking about the last kid i need that to go away and when I'm with my new interest i forget the last kid ever happened and i love that. my new interest is so cute and nice and lovely. he has already said the sweetest things to me and I'm very happy with that... but to make matter worse the last kid is on facebook and i saw something he said to someone and i swear its like someone stabbed me in the face and i cant take that i cant! i have to stay strong but its so hard when all i want to do is break down and cry. but the tears don't fall they gather then stop gather then stop. its torture. life is fucking with me. like Jim carry says in my favorite movie "god is a little kid sitting by an ant hill with a magnifying glass he could save my life whenever he want but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!" and how true that is, how true that is.

cant we stay little forever?

and again the roller coaster heads down hill. why? like honestly why? i was so happy but being so close to where he lives hurts and when i saw him today he didn't even look at me! he didn't even fucking look at me! he hurts me and he cant look at me! what the fuck is wrong with him! i didn't do anything to him i did nothing wrong but yet he refuses to acknowledge my existence. why? just fucking why!? i think a week far away will help me plus I'm not going to see any of the guys once my friends go to camp cause why the hell would they want tot invite me anywhere. so maybe a whole summer away will help but what about when school starts? when i see him in the hall way what then? will every feeling i ever had come rushing back? cause i don't think i can handle that anymore i really don't it hurts too much and i don't want to hurt anymore i want it all to stop! just please someone reach into my life and fix me! please! there's nothing i can do anymore nothing! i need help i cant do it on my own i just cant! his face haunts me all the time i cant forget it no matter how hard i try. and trust me i try. our group of friends is falling apart and the only ones holding on are the two that recently broke each other. they are the only ones trying to make anything work i did my part and got shit in return I've waited for him to do his part but he doesn't. Dara was right to be concerned about us everyone told her to stop we will always be there but look she was right we fell apart. i made Dara and Liza promise that we have to stay friends i cant lose them and the guys in one year. i want to go back way back back before i met everyone back to like 2nd grade where nothing matter and boys had coddies. i miss that. i miss the simple time when no one cared about what you were wearing or who you were sitting next to. all that mattered was have fun. i want that back so bad i need to have that back.

bored

i am so absolutely bored out of my mind right now. its almost 11:30 my brother is still fast asleep my dogs are driving me crazy and believe it or not i still have to pack. and i only have today and tomorrow to hang out with all my friends and that's kinda scary cause knowing me I'll make plans with both then in the end piss someone off cause i hang out with someone else. so i don't know what i want to do. my room is a mess and my cousins are staying over my house when I'm away so i guess i have to clean considering they are sleeping in my room... all three of them. it sucks that they're coming as I'm leaving cause i don't see them much and they'll be here when I'm not and its depressing. i really want to sit outside but I'm too god damn lazy to get up. well I'm going to go pack some more

a ray of light through the clouds

besides me staying up till 3 waking up at 9 packing till when ever someone picks me up to leave i have had one hell of a week. I'm trying to figure out how in two days i will hangout with all my friends because once i go away i wont see half of them for the rest of the summer cause without the girls they wont invite me places. so there goes those summer plans... well they changed a long time ago, but whatever. i didn't get to talk to my new interest today because he came online when i went to go see harry potter with steph (WHICH WAS FUCKING AWESOME!) i like talking to him hes funny hes nice and so far didn't say much bout some of the things Ive done but then again he doesn't even know the half of it. that really worries me that my past will effect any future i try for. but i have to say Ive been a really happy person lately and I'm loving it. there are things that bring back memories and sometimes they hurt other times there just blurs almost like i forgot the feeling and hell it works for me. I'm a whole new person but I'm still split there are just too many parts of me, the bad ass, the whore, the bitch, the nice girl, the quite one, the flirt, the leader, the follower, the tom boy, the girly girl, the list can go on forever any opposites you can think of that's what i am. and its sad that i cant be just one person but i don't know who that one person is but you know what that's OK i have time to think about it for now I'm just enjoying my happiness cause after a very long time i mean months of a heavy heart i can finally lift up my head and say god damn it your worth it. if life's a mystery we are the dead people because no matter what our fate cant change the ones around us can only try to figure out what happened.

and so it goes

so far so good i haven't been really down lately so im happy. we are all supposed to go to the beach on Tuesday i guess we shall see how that works out i don't think it will be that bad. my new interest (let call him) is rlly nicee hes such a good guy. im just afraid if i do go out with him it will be such a change in pace. i got used to the fast and...yaa... but hes not like that and i think it will be good for me but at the same time ill get anxious. i also fear that he wont like me if he finds out everything ive done. that would rlly suck and i wouldn't be very happy. and even if he stays through all that and all my mental shit i cant have him hang out wit my other friends. i learned the hard way mixing ppl that dont mix= VERY BAD! so if i want to hang out wit him and other ppl i have to hang wit the group. which isnt bad but u no u would like the person ur wit to be wit all of ur friends but they wouldn't mix well. maybe im just getting to ahead of myself how do i even no he will ask me out or not. how do i no if its too soon or not. ugh idk but i do no i like talking to him and it makes me happy and hes funny and makes me laugh. for now im happy and u no wat i can live wit that :P

woo!

i found out something that could be good and could be bad. bad because it may be too soon and good because it may fill the hole in my life. i just went from being really sad to really happy but i like the up hill ride better then the down hill one so i wont complain :)

emotional roller coasters

i hate this never ending roller coaster. happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad when the fuck will it end! and one of my friends isn't making me feel any better "i miss him i miss him" ya well that's life honey get ever it i had to and i didn't fucking complain about it. fine think it if you want to say it if someone asks but other then that shut up! you would have died if you went through half of what i did so don't even start with me. i want to move on but i want to go back i want to cry i want to stay strong. i want someone to hold me and tell me for once my life will get better that i will be OK. but there's no one out there that can make me feel better its not possible to reach into someones heart and pull out their pain. i wish it was but its not. i cant deal anymore there is nothing i can do moving on hurts looking back hurts staying still hurts. i just don't know what to do anymore. i used to want him to text me and say hey or something but now that i think of it he has the right idea. i think i wanted him to text me because i was still holding on to him still wanted him but now i think i know why he doesn't text me. i think he wants me to let go and i think he knows that him not being in my life all the time will make it easier. and i see that now cause i thought of it as if i saw that he texted me i would get all excited and my heart would jump out of my chest and then i thought.... wait a minute that would give me false hope that he still likes me. and i see it now and I'm OK with it now. eventually i will get to the point where i can text him and he will (hopefully) text me back and have it be a normal conversation and maybe that will take both of us time.

normality?

my cousins facebook status really made me think. she said i shouldn't let little things bother me and just let go already. i don't know what shes talking about but that's exactly how i feel. but its not the little things people do its the little things i remember and i need to let that go. but the more i try the harder it gets. i mean I'm doing everything i possibly can to move on and i mean i have a lot but I'm still not perfect yet. and I'm wondering if i will ever be 100% again. now that doesn't mean i wont try but to explain it in the most simple way possible imagine there's 4 steps to getting over something like this. now the first week your at step 1 and the next week your at step 2 and so on and now your at step 4 but week 5 then one day your back at step 1 then the next day your at 4 again. its like coming this far means nothing every time i fall back to step 1 and then I'm fine but then i fall. its kinda like being drunk sometimes you can walk and then you fall randomly. I'm honestly out of options I've tried everything i can think of. today is one of those days when i fell. i haven't fallen too hard but just enough to bum me out. i need someone to reach into my life and pick me up and be my support as i stumble on back to normality. now i know my friends have done all they can to help me but now i need someone else someone that can fill the space that at this time is empty. that will most likely help pull me up. but i can just take any random person. there is one kid i think is good but I'm almost afraid to really like him cause what if he thinks he might like me but when he hears everything i did will he turn and run from me? will he understand that i once had problems but I'm OK now? i just don't know i guess ill just have to see how this all plays out.

with life comes love, pain, and lessons

all day today I've been kinda bummed out. i was thinking of him all day but not in the same way i usually do. i think i just realized that I'm over him as a person but I'm not yet over the relationship we had. i think now instead of missing him i miss talking to someone. i miss having someone listen to me ramble then at the end of my story i miss someone showing me support. i miss having someone tell me they love me. i miss someone just holding me. i think that's why on Monday i let everything kinda just happen because i miss that. but i realized that i don't need him per say to give that to me there are other people that can do the same thing. for a long time i thought all i wanted was to have him back but i think it was more i wanted our relationship back like just the things we could do together the things i could tell him just having him there. i realize that there will be someone that can do the same things for me. there will be someone that can make me laugh and make me feel good. and i think for the first time i don't regret a thing. if i had to live the past 6 months of my life again i would do everything the same way. all the things i have been through have made me the person i am... or at least it will shape who i will be (cause i don't want to be bummed out forever haha) i think that even though i have been sad then pissed then sad then happy then pissed then OK then sad to eventually where i am now where i understand everything that going on i think that its just the proses of getting through stuff like this. i think as long as i keep myself busy and just focus on other people in my life I'm sure i will get over this completely i mean think about it its high school this is what high school is all about these are the four year that shape peoples lives its where lessons are learned and mistakes are made. and we all make mistakes and i know I've made ones i cant take back and that i will see for a long time but you know what its OK because i learned from my mistake and I'm OK with living with it. i think i finally got my life back i can now live my life my way instead of years of pleasing other people. my friends should love me for who i am not who I'm trying to be. i got my life back and i learned so much along the way :)

night of endless confusion...but fun non the less

Monday had to be one of the longest but most fun day of my life. i don't mean what happened that night i mean the whole day. we went to the high school and just hung out and even though it was really fucking hot out i had fun. we rode bikes to the $5 store and me and Britt were laughing the whole way there cause i was on the pegs of the bike she was riding and we screamed every time we thought a car was coming it was so funny. the only bad thing was the tire kept scraping my leg and i have a burn on my calf. we then went back to Tony's and just laid on the grass for a while and it was nice. then i rode on the pegs on the bike tony was riding and we were talking for once we had an actual conversation then we sat in the shade under a tree and talked some more and that is what i was waiting for for a long time. we joked around and had fun it was so nice. on the way to Brenden's house i rode on the pegs again and me and tony were joking around and its like the friendship we used to have and it was so amazing to talk to him again. texting him is still a problem but one step at a time right. once the night got started things kinda took a bad turn and i was upset for while then i was out of it really out of it and at 2am i realized that what happened happened and i was just fine with that. i just hope that it doesn't effect the friendship we just started to get back. i mean I'm just fine with it i just know that sometimes he avoids situations that might be awkward but i don't think it is and after about 2 or 3 minutes of not really talking we usually get into a conversation and then its fine and i really don't want what happened on Monday to get in the way of what we finally got back. that day was so much fun i will never for get it.

LoVe DrUnK

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit and run
And I still taste it on my tongue
The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you oh so bad it hurts
But girl, in case you haven't heard
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a barfight
So dont call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing
That would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now it's over
Hot sweat and blurry eyes
We're spinning on a roller coaster ride
With the world stuck in black and white
You drove me crazy every time we touched
Now im so broken that I can't get up
Oh girl, you make me such a rush
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a barfight
So dont call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing
That would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now it's over
All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
I'm checking into rehab
Cause everything that we had
Didn't mean a thing to you
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now i'm sober
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a barfight
So dont call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing
That would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now it's over
Now it's over
Still taste it on my tongue
Now it's over

love drunk
boys like girls
(thanks to steph who showed this song to hallie who showed it to me... so thanksss steph!) :)

I'm sorry

i have to say none of my friends talk to me... then again i don't blame them. I'm not a good friend scratch that I'm a horrible friend. and I'm sorry to everyone. i know we all have our differences but that's what makes us...us. i have been the worst friend ever this past few days and again I'm sorry i just had one of those "lets stay away from people" week. i don't know why but i just felt i couldn't handle it if something went wrong so instead i made EVERYTHING worse. again I'm sorry and i know i tend to say it a lot but its always for something different i learn from my mistakes so unless I'm really fucking dumb this wont happen anytime soon. and i know it seem that i hang out with my other friends a lot but that only because once i go away i wont see them till the end of the summer. so no I'm not leaving you guys even though i made it seem that way. and i know you guys are pissed at me and even if your not somewhere deep down you are. i really have been a bad friend to you guys and i don't want to not be friends with you. we have been through a lot and i don't want to lose a great friendship like that because I'm being a fucking bitch. so i am truly very sorry.

today was OK i guess... well no it was good it was relaxing i spent the day tanning. i decided today that i want to get stronger and i want to workout a little. i really want to work on my flexibility because i used to be really flexible but now I'm not because I'm not in dance anymore. i started stretching today and i can almost do a split again and that makes me very happy. i also want to work on my abs a little because my mom said she'd let me get a belly button ring if she could talk my dad into it (failing! haha) so if she can get my dad to agree i would love to get one. and i also want to look good for my cruise cause i heard you gain a lot of weight hahah so ill look good while on it then fat when i get off and that's fine with me :) i got a really strange sunburn and it makes me laugh. i decided to also work on my back bends and i was doing them so i would fall on the couch... well i missed and hurt my wrist pretty bad but its OK cause i then did it standing on my bed and i can do them now :) we shall see if i can still do it tomorrow. well we shall see if i can walk tomorrow haha all the stretching i did today will hurt like hell tomorrow!

Today

considering i cant sleep i might as well talk about the day i had. i left the house at like 2 and went shopping with 2 of my friends. we all spent all our money in one store then we went to Starbucks and just talked for a while. my one friend said she was together with this kid that i know really likes her and i was truly very happy for them but for some reason every time i think of it i feel weird and i don't know why. i keep trying to think what might be bothering me cause i really am happy they're together i know how much he likes her and i know she needs a good guy instead of all the assholes she gets. but i don't know there's something that just bothers me not a lot. well not even at all really its just this funny feeling and i cant figure out where its coming from. i don't know whatever moving on, the three of us went to adventure land. every ride we went on we did more then once besides the Frisbee because the first time i kinda felt sick then when my friends went to go get on later someone threw up and they didn't want to by on the ride but other then the random moments of feeling sick i had a lot of fun. one of the guys running a ride kept hitting on me and i couldn't tell if i was creeped out or complemented. he was cute but he was like missing teeth and that look just gross but i thought he was cute. my friends would think i was crazy if they heard me say that but whateves. well i went home really frickin tired and very broke. so i put on across the universe hoping it would help me sleep. when i finally did fall asleep it was like the middle of the movie and i woke up bout an hour and half later. i then texted my friend to explain to her about the plans for tomorrow and how i made too many and i was sorry that i upset her cause i kinda in a way made plans to go to my other friends house which i don't even think i can do cause i might have to go to my neighbors house and i don't even know. well now I'm up and its 4 am and I'm hungry which is never fun.

who? what? when? ill never know

I'm warning you now most of this wont make sense it will be random and ill prob curse a lot. lets start with when people say it takes time you'll be OK. well fuck you all! I've waited I've tried and i felt better but i cant stop feeling... i don't even know! well whatever i guess "in time" ill be just fucking fine. my question is how much time? i want my fucking life back! i hate listening to the fucking radio and hearing all the loves song cause every time i hear one i have to tell myself to be strong and not cry. its been weeks what the fuck! i want to go back wayyy back before everything. back to like 6th grade when i still thought i was hott shit. cause you know what my life was fucking easy then. i thought i was the coolest thing and not going to lie i want to feel that way again. all i am is a pair of fucking boobs! and you know what i thought for the first time today, i thought why not, i should just give in to all the people that see me as boobs, let them do as they want. cause i don't fucking matter no one gives a shit if i get hurt so why put myself through the pain? ill just let everyone do what they want. so what if I'm a fucking whore everyone thinks that anyway so who gives a shit. i have lost everything and i lost it long ago, way before me and him. i lost who i was and now i don't know who i am. a lot of people say that but i really have no fucking idea who i am or what i want. I'm three different people I'm the wild crazy bitchy one when I'm with my one group of friends and the small quite smiley simple one when I'm with my other friends. do you know who i am when i go home? I'm the one that has to talk myself out of crying myself to sleep, stop myself from texting people, stop myself from punching my wall so hard i might break my hand. Ive gotten really close to punching my wall and not just to punch it, i wanted to break every bone in my hand. but i didn't do it and i have to tell myself everyday that its not worth it, but the answer i come up with all the time is, neither am i. my life has very little value. its not even like I'm a good friend, in fact I'm a horrible one. i am a god awful friend. i avoid people, i get into bad situation, and I'm a fucking bitch. maybe that's 3 people in my life left me, I'm a fucking bitch. i complain and complain and tell stories no one wants to hear, half the time no ones listening any way. everyone's life would be so much better if i fell off the face of the earth and no one saw me again. i don't even think anyone would care if i disappeared i know i wouldn't care if i disappeared, not died, just disappeared left their lives. there would be a lot of people that would smile at the fact I'm gone cause like i said who would want to deal with and mean bitchy story teller. and do you know all my stories are just so people can pay attention to me? well half the stories i tell are just so i can talk and people will listen... I'm an attention whore. i know that, Ive always known that. not that some of the things I've done in the past were for attention but i say i look bad so someone will tell me i look good. i say my ass is small so that someone will say no i love your ass. that's all i ever wanted was a complement. now there are parts of me that i do hate but that's for other reasons. i mostly hate who i am and do you know why? because i don't know who i am i hate that! i hate that i cant find myself, i hate it so much. i hate how i can be so mean to people. i hate that at the end of the day I'm not happy with me. i hate that i complain. i hate that i say the wrong thing. and i hate that i never fought for what i wanted. but its all to late. people never change for the good or the bad they just pretend and i don't want to pretend anymore... but what choice do i have?

Power of a song

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go

I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No ones ever turned you over
No ones tried To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl (boy)
Bless your heart
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn
Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl (boy)
I cant breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be,be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby

I cant live without you

Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

Disease by Matchbox twenty

Its odd that i can relate to a song so much. i mean some songs i hear have a line or two i would say to someone but this whole song is what i think all the time. plus its a very good song

My hands are out will you reach for them?

i wish i had the right words to say. i wish i could tell that it will all be OK. that even if she is angry all the time that it will get better. but how do you tell someone that when there mind is set on being miserable. not that they want to be but there's no way to change anything there's only so much i can do. i want to do more and I'm here for her i always will be. i know she needs someone cause her friends treat her like shit and she doesn't deserve that at all. its all unfair that such a pretty girl with lots of talent has to be treated like shes nothing and now she feels like shes nothing and there is noting i can say to change that. I'm doing all i can to save her. shes begging for help and I'm trying but i don't know what to say shes so lost. and I'm lost myself we both need to find our way home but she is so lost. and she is screaming out for me to help her. shes screaming to me and I'm holding my hand out to help her but I'm just not strong enough to pull her up not on my own i need help. i wish i was like a professional and she could come and talk to me and i would know what to say and how to say it and i could get her help but I'm not I'm a kid and so is she. she shouldn't have to feel this way to teen should. i want to make her feel better i just don't know how. all i can do is tell her I'm here I'm always here. that all i know that i have to say. cause i know that for someone ready to jump at any moment they NEED to know that there is someone who will grab their arm and say "don't your better then that you deserve more and your life has more value then you'll ever know" that's what i keep saying cause i don't want her to go to a place where she may never come back so if i can prolong that for as long as i can then i will. she really is an amazing person and she thinks so little of herself and shes gone to great lengths to try and change something that was never wrong and now she is emotionally scared from it and its sad cause shes an awesome friend and her friends treat her like shit. i wish there was one guy that pulled his head out of his ass and said wow look at her shes such a nice girl and maybe then she'd start to feel better and then it will all start to get better. she needs someone, someone more then me. someone that will hold her and say he loves her she needs that and i cant give her that the same way that a guy could cause putting a friend in a place where a guy should be doesn't solve her problem. why do guys have to be so mean? why does the one guy that could save her life not even care that shes alive? i just wish that some guy will just go up to her and tell her shes the most amazing thing in the world. i know there has to be someone out there that sees her that way but why wont he just come out and say it? for now hang in there love i will do everything in my power to help you out if the place your in.

More food? really?

today was an odd day. my whole family came over for my brothers graduation. we watched it on the TV and we all got so bored we went outside. my little cousin kept following me around when all i wanted was to be left alone. i don't know why but Ive been eating lot lately i mean i had 2 bagels then chips and popcorn then i had another bagel and more chips and popcorn and other snacks, and for dinner i had steak corn on the cob 2 artichoke dishes and cake and another bagel and I'm still fucking hungry. this is coming from the girl that didn't eat for a week cause i wasn't hungry. now I'm fucking starving and i ate sooo much. this is getting ridiculous if i was eating good food i wouldn't care so much if i was eating good but I'm eating junk and its not good. and now that I'm talking about food i want a taco. does anyone see what i mean? i have eaten more food in a day then i do in 3 weeks and I'm still thinking of food. i just don't understand i used to get full just looking at food now i want to eat my fucking house and its gross. i gained 4 pounds in 2 days and that's not good for a short person because it shows. i mean so far its not to bad but if i keep going on like this it will become a problem. and i cant even ask some of my friends because they get mad a me they say but your so skinny. well if i keep eating like this i wont be. id rather stop it now then have to worry about it later. i know people that have gone to extremes to loss wight and i know people that think that's what i do. i swear i don't i thought about it when i was younger but i never actually did it. but whatever i guess i just have to watch what i eat.

Gives you hell

you want to know whats ironic? the day you asked me out the song gives you hell came on like 8 times, and they day you broke up with me it was playing on the bus. to think we started and stopped our relationship with one song. when i first heard the song i thought i knew what it meant. every time it played i would think of Joe... well now i know the true meaning of that song. " i wake up every evening with a big smile on my face and it never feels out of place." it took me almost a month to get there but now that's what happens to me every morning when i wake up. and it feels good to wake up and fucking smile cause for so long i just wanted to cry. well i guess everyone was right it would take some time. "and when you see my face i hope it gives you hell" because that's what happened every time i saw you. well not anymore. I'm better then that what you did wasn't fair but life's not fair so i had to deal with it and i did. and as mean as it sounds i hope when you listen to your ipod and you hear the songs we used to listen to i hope it makes you feel how i felt cause i didn't deserve that but you did it anyway. Ive moved no with my life and i know this all sounds mean its just cause i need to get rid of all the feelings Ive kept inside for so long. so understand I'm not being immature I'm just saying what has been on my mind lately. because you were such a "beautiful lie"

well now that Ive gotten all that out i just want to say i want to be friends with you but again that's all up to you. there is only so much i can do. so if you meant it when you said lets be friends then let me know you meant it. but if you didn't mean it then fine i will deal with that.

just watch me leave

Ive cried, Ive waited, Ive wallowed in my own self pity but I'm done with all that now. You obviously want nothing to do with me anymore and you know what that's your loss! Cause you know what I'm done waiting for you to realize that everything you thought I was going through was wrong. So go ahead be the way you are. And don't say lets be friends unless you really mean cause you obviously would rather DIE then speak to me. And I'm fine with that now, as I said you are your own person and its every man for himself. So go ahead pretend I'm not alive and then when you have to acknowledge me go ahead and make fun of me just like the last time. You can do whatever you want cause I'm done caring I'm done letting other people run my life because I want to please them. No! Not anymore! I will run my life my way!! I'm done hoping I'm done praying that this will all go back. Fuck that! I'm finished I want to live I want to move on I want to go back to my life! And that's what i intend to do. Its up to you weather you want to talk to me or not. I have no control over you. So choose, leave me and never speak to me or grow a pair and text me cause you said "I want to be friends". Did you really mean that? Or are you like Joe and only said that to make it sound better? Well that's all up to you cause I'm fucking done caring! You shoved me on my ass and now that I'm on my feet and I'm going to walk on. And yes I mean it I will walk on. I refuse to let this control me. For all I care you can fuck a tree or a unicorn or some random chick let them deal with you I'm done!

Good bye love. I'm happy. This is me saying... I'm up off my ass now watch it walk off

what was the line? dont judge a book by its cover?

do you know what really bothers me? when people see me for what i am on the outside. I'm a lot different on the inside then i am on the outside. and the more people judge from the outside the more i start to act like what they see. people see me and the first thing they see is my boobs not that they can help that i know that they are big and kinda take up my body. i just kills me when i try to have a conversation with a guy and hes looking down. i know I'm short but there's a difference between looking down at me and looking down at my boobs. it really just kills me inside and i act like i don't care at all like i want people to look... acting.. i seem to do a lot of that. but how can you be yourself when everyone sees something else and once people start to get to know me the really me the me that likes to sit and talk they will leave. i have gotten really close to people and then they leave me. which is why i don't open up as much as i used to because everyone says i care i want to help but in the end they just make everything harder. do you know i cant look guys in the eye when they talk to me? do you know why? because I'm afraid that they aren't looking at my face. everyday i hear a boob joke or some guy wants to watch me run. DO YOU KNOW DEGRADING THAT IS! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL! no, no one cares how it makes me feel because my feeling don't matter. I'm a walking model with no soul! whatever!

got hugs?

I feel like a lot of things are falling apart. people are putting me in bad situations all the time. they aren't thinking that its bad cause for them its not. but for me they're horrible situations and my head hurts from trying to sort things out. no one understands what they're doing no one gets I'm not ready its to soon no matter how many times i say it no one understands. why cant they just leave me alone? cant they just let me be? i need to think. i need my time. i need my space. but people are crawling up my ass. if i say I'm not ready I'm not ready stop asking me please things are hard enough as it is i don't need you making it worse! leave me alone please, please just stop!

I just couldn't

i had to put this back up. I don't know why but i just missed writing things out. i know that some people got screwed because of this but it helped me understand what not to put on the blog. i have to say I've been pretty happy lately. i still think of him and its hard to think of him talking to other girls but whatever I'll get over that. i wake up every morning and instead of feeling like i want to cry i smile and i say I'm going to be OK today. there are times i think of every we used to have and my heart feels heavy but i pick my head close my eyes and take a breath. life moves on and i do too. i can't keep my feet planted in the ground. i have to pick them up and start walking. one foot in front of the other. day by day. i will get better. i still hold that small part of hope i have but i slowly let go of more and more as the days pass. the last time we all hung out as a group was fine it wasn't awkward at all. there was times when he was laughing and sitting with my friends and i had to remind myself hes not mine anymore. god the music I'm listening to right now isn't helping me if just makes me want to cry. sorry that was random anyway as i was saying i had a good time till he brought up something i had said a long time ago about a name i had liked. well he took it upon him self to tear me apart about it and everyone, unknowing as to how much it hurt me, joined in on the fun. i acted as if it didn't bother me as much as it really did. but whatever i have to remember he is his own person and its every man for himself right? oh well i will smile and hold my head high and when i don't feel like smiling i will paint one on and pretend anyway.