let me run away, i need to leave!

i feel like i want to die. i paint on my smile everyday and act as if everything is OK. its not. 3 times this week I've cried myself to sleep. and i don't know why but I'm just so frustrated i don't know what else to do i just...cry. I've been so stressed lately. I'm mad all the time and i just want to jump out a window and run away from everything. school is not helping i know I'm going to die when i see him and that's what makes me cry harder. i haven't been like this in months and all the drama people are unknowingly putting on me is killing me on the inside so not only do i have to worry bout me, my boyfriend, my family, school and dance i now have to worry about my friends that have jumped off the deep end and cant get out. there is nothing i can do but try and bring two of them together again so they can help each other cause i DON'T know what to do! there is nothing i can do and its stressing me out! plus my mom is flipping out cause my bro is going to school in like 3 days. my toes hurt like a bitch and i have to go to the Dr soon. i have to get ready for the summer reading which kills me cause i hate it! my head always hurts so bad but i cant take aspirin cause when i do take it i take too many and i fear that one day i will make myself so sick from it...maybe that's what i want i don't know i just don't understand anything! I WANT TO DISAPPEAR! i want to go far away! i want to move to a place where i can start over and forget all the things that keep me up in the middle of the night. i want it all to go away. i beg every night for it all to end. i love tom with everything in me but i still cryy and i don't know whyy. well i have nothing left in me bye

I need you, I miss you, I love you <3

HE ASKED ME OUT! oh god I'm so fucking happy! it hasn't really hit me yet like i don't really feel it but i know i will the next time i see him. that's what always happens to me. so now i know how much time it would take me to get back on my feet...2 months. that's how long it took 2 very very very very long months. now the question is when will i stop thinking of him. but its not the same way i must say its more remembering things or wishing i could ask him things but it doesn't hurt anymore. i don't feel like crying. sometimes i may want to kill him but it doesn't last long. i hung out with him alone yesterday at my house and we watched Across The Universe and Shawn of the Dead. i think he like across the universe but i don't know we weren't really watching we were talking most of the time. and he made me watch Shawn of the dead and it was sooooooooo funny i loved it! i love how hes seen most of my favorite movies. most people don't like my favorite movies but hes already seen them so i can watch them with him and he wont think I'm stupid cause of the movies i watch. he loves music he sends me a lot when we're on facebook. i like most of the stuff he sends me i mean its not stuff i would put on my ipod but if i was listening to the radio and it came on i wouldn't change it. oh and he loves my dogs no matter how annoying they get he sits there and pets them and i think its so cute. most people are like "get the dog off of me!" and i don't sometimes it bothers me but i guess not every one likes my dogs. but he does and i love that! its going to suck when i go camping and i wont see him or talk to him. but i know it will give me something to look forward to.

bliss i finally found bliss!

i found a new nick name for him and i think it fits a lot better... Mr. music man. it fits so well. god he makes me so happy! i talk to him all day and we never run out of a thing to say to each other. he can be so cute sometimes and it makes me smile the biggest smile I've ever given in months... no almost half a year. i was messed up for a while and i don't know why but Mr. music man makes me so happy he makes it all seem better. i haven't thought a bad thing in like 2 months and its wonderful! he understands everything! and when we joking around he doesn't say anything hurtful i mean i joke around and say wow your mean but he never says anything truly mean and i love that cause before i had someone that would say the meanest things then say I'm kidding. I'm glad that's over with. every time i give him a hug he picks me up. i love that i love being picked up. and he motivated me to go back to dance and I'm so happy. I've wanted to go back to dance for the longest time I've missed it so much. its my happy place and my Mr. music man motivated me to go back. I'm really excited to go back Ive missed it so much. maybe ill get most of my shape back and my flexibility. i have never been so happy in such a long time its wonderful! i love it! i still think of the last one i think of him a lot but it doesn't hurt anymore its more what i would say to him if i could be completely honest but i mean school will suck more then anything in the world but i know ill get through it i know i will.

happy? god finally!

i just had the best night that I've ever had in the longest time! i really really really like my new interest... i really need a new name for him...hmmm....happy boyy! that's what ill call him happy boy :) when I'm around him in so comfortable and just sitting next to him makes my heart jump i haven't felt like that in a really long time. he makes me feel so good so happy so alive. he means so much to me. i was talking to him while at my friends house and i don't think I've ever been so happy doing nothing just have my leg touch his makes my heart stop and i cant help but smile. it feels so good to just joke around with him and pretend to fight with him. it was the best feeling when we went to a store and we were joking around and he picked me up and carried me way. i was smiling so much my cheeks hurt. i stay up till 3 am just to talk to him and i love every second of it. he makes me so happy. he makes me forget my past. i haven't been this happy in a long time and it feels so good. his smile just lights up my whole day. talking to him every night is the perfect ending to my day. i mean i really cant think of a better way to end my day, talking to my favorite person and then passing out into a deep sleep. what in the world could be better then that! he may be crazy and odd and gets hurt a lot i still think hes awesome in every way!