NeVeR AgAiN

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me!
I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well
Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
'Cos I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all OK!


Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?!
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere!
It was you, who chose to end it like you did!
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way!
She may believe you but I never will!!
Never again!

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute!
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes, and he's through with you
And he'll be through with you!
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face!
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away!!!


Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?!
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere!
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do!
And don't say, you simply lost your way!
They may believe you but I never will
Never again!

Never again will I hear you!
Never again will I miss you!
Never again will I fall to you!
Never!

Never again will I kiss you!
Never again will I WANT to!
Never again will I love you!!!!
Never!!!!!!


Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?!
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere!
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do!
And don't say, you simply lost your way!!!
They may believe you but I never will
I never will!
I never will!!!

Never again.

Never again Kelly Clarkson

would you save me?

if you had the chance to save my life would you save it? would you let me know that your there for me? if i said i wanted to cry would you say "cry on my shoulder"? if you saw that i looked upset would you hug me and tell me you care? if i said my life is useless would you say "your life means everything to me"? if you saw the pain in my eyes would you look me in the eyes and say "your so beautiful who or what dared to make you upset"? if i told you i was having a bad day would you give me a hug and say "I'm here if you want to talk or if you just need a hug"? if you saw i was crying would you ask me if i was OK? if you thought i was lying if i said i was fine would you hold me and tell me that i can tell you anything? if you had the chance to save my life would you save it? because there was a day when i really needed someone and that was the one day they weren't there for me. i want you to know that all those small things mean more then you may understand and they could save a life.

fuck everything!

why just fucking why! it took so long and i was finally happy but then i just start remembering things and it hurts so bad! i thought i was over it but the closer i get to happy the further a way it seems. one small little thought sends me straight down hill and i don't mean sliding down hill i mean falling at top speed till i hit rock bottom and all i want to do is cry but i so sick and tired of it! i was finally happy finally happy but now its all starting all over again. the same thing the same pain i need it to stop all of it! i need it! even with my new interest the one that actually makes me happy the one that when I'm around him i smile and its not fake but then that just reminds me of how i felt at the begging of my last relationship and then i hurt again. its a never ending cycle that is going to kill me one day. i thought that the pain would stop but if I'm on facebook and i see that hes talking to someone else it hurts so much i have to log out. i don't want to feel like that but i have no choice a person cant pick how they feel i don't want to feel that way it kills me. i want him to be able to have a life just like desperately want one. it just hurts and i know that when school starts everything will hurt so much more. if i see him in the hall with someone i know for a fact it will kill me but i have to try and stay strong that's all i can do i will fail but i have to try.

make it stop!

i need to talk to him! i need to talk to my new interest hes the only thing that can help me out! i need to talk to him i need to see him he can fill the hole in my heart he can fix me or at least he can try and i need that! i need it. but hes not online the one time i really need to talk to him hes not here i feel bad because i know i keep him up late but that's when i can talk to him and i need him! wow this all sounds horrible and pushy but i have to stop thinking about the last kid i need that to go away and when I'm with my new interest i forget the last kid ever happened and i love that. my new interest is so cute and nice and lovely. he has already said the sweetest things to me and I'm very happy with that... but to make matter worse the last kid is on facebook and i saw something he said to someone and i swear its like someone stabbed me in the face and i cant take that i cant! i have to stay strong but its so hard when all i want to do is break down and cry. but the tears don't fall they gather then stop gather then stop. its torture. life is fucking with me. like Jim carry says in my favorite movie "god is a little kid sitting by an ant hill with a magnifying glass he could save my life whenever he want but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!" and how true that is, how true that is.

cant we stay little forever?

and again the roller coaster heads down hill. why? like honestly why? i was so happy but being so close to where he lives hurts and when i saw him today he didn't even look at me! he didn't even fucking look at me! he hurts me and he cant look at me! what the fuck is wrong with him! i didn't do anything to him i did nothing wrong but yet he refuses to acknowledge my existence. why? just fucking why!? i think a week far away will help me plus I'm not going to see any of the guys once my friends go to camp cause why the hell would they want tot invite me anywhere. so maybe a whole summer away will help but what about when school starts? when i see him in the hall way what then? will every feeling i ever had come rushing back? cause i don't think i can handle that anymore i really don't it hurts too much and i don't want to hurt anymore i want it all to stop! just please someone reach into my life and fix me! please! there's nothing i can do anymore nothing! i need help i cant do it on my own i just cant! his face haunts me all the time i cant forget it no matter how hard i try. and trust me i try. our group of friends is falling apart and the only ones holding on are the two that recently broke each other. they are the only ones trying to make anything work i did my part and got shit in return I've waited for him to do his part but he doesn't. Dara was right to be concerned about us everyone told her to stop we will always be there but look she was right we fell apart. i made Dara and Liza promise that we have to stay friends i cant lose them and the guys in one year. i want to go back way back back before i met everyone back to like 2nd grade where nothing matter and boys had coddies. i miss that. i miss the simple time when no one cared about what you were wearing or who you were sitting next to. all that mattered was have fun. i want that back so bad i need to have that back.

bored

i am so absolutely bored out of my mind right now. its almost 11:30 my brother is still fast asleep my dogs are driving me crazy and believe it or not i still have to pack. and i only have today and tomorrow to hang out with all my friends and that's kinda scary cause knowing me I'll make plans with both then in the end piss someone off cause i hang out with someone else. so i don't know what i want to do. my room is a mess and my cousins are staying over my house when I'm away so i guess i have to clean considering they are sleeping in my room... all three of them. it sucks that they're coming as I'm leaving cause i don't see them much and they'll be here when I'm not and its depressing. i really want to sit outside but I'm too god damn lazy to get up. well I'm going to go pack some more

a ray of light through the clouds

besides me staying up till 3 waking up at 9 packing till when ever someone picks me up to leave i have had one hell of a week. I'm trying to figure out how in two days i will hangout with all my friends because once i go away i wont see half of them for the rest of the summer cause without the girls they wont invite me places. so there goes those summer plans... well they changed a long time ago, but whatever. i didn't get to talk to my new interest today because he came online when i went to go see harry potter with steph (WHICH WAS FUCKING AWESOME!) i like talking to him hes funny hes nice and so far didn't say much bout some of the things Ive done but then again he doesn't even know the half of it. that really worries me that my past will effect any future i try for. but i have to say Ive been a really happy person lately and I'm loving it. there are things that bring back memories and sometimes they hurt other times there just blurs almost like i forgot the feeling and hell it works for me. I'm a whole new person but I'm still split there are just too many parts of me, the bad ass, the whore, the bitch, the nice girl, the quite one, the flirt, the leader, the follower, the tom boy, the girly girl, the list can go on forever any opposites you can think of that's what i am. and its sad that i cant be just one person but i don't know who that one person is but you know what that's OK i have time to think about it for now I'm just enjoying my happiness cause after a very long time i mean months of a heavy heart i can finally lift up my head and say god damn it your worth it. if life's a mystery we are the dead people because no matter what our fate cant change the ones around us can only try to figure out what happened.

and so it goes

so far so good i haven't been really down lately so im happy. we are all supposed to go to the beach on Tuesday i guess we shall see how that works out i don't think it will be that bad. my new interest (let call him) is rlly nicee hes such a good guy. im just afraid if i do go out with him it will be such a change in pace. i got used to the fast and...yaa... but hes not like that and i think it will be good for me but at the same time ill get anxious. i also fear that he wont like me if he finds out everything ive done. that would rlly suck and i wouldn't be very happy. and even if he stays through all that and all my mental shit i cant have him hang out wit my other friends. i learned the hard way mixing ppl that dont mix= VERY BAD! so if i want to hang out wit him and other ppl i have to hang wit the group. which isnt bad but u no u would like the person ur wit to be wit all of ur friends but they wouldn't mix well. maybe im just getting to ahead of myself how do i even no he will ask me out or not. how do i no if its too soon or not. ugh idk but i do no i like talking to him and it makes me happy and hes funny and makes me laugh. for now im happy and u no wat i can live wit that :P

woo!

i found out something that could be good and could be bad. bad because it may be too soon and good because it may fill the hole in my life. i just went from being really sad to really happy but i like the up hill ride better then the down hill one so i wont complain :)

emotional roller coasters

i hate this never ending roller coaster. happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad when the fuck will it end! and one of my friends isn't making me feel any better "i miss him i miss him" ya well that's life honey get ever it i had to and i didn't fucking complain about it. fine think it if you want to say it if someone asks but other then that shut up! you would have died if you went through half of what i did so don't even start with me. i want to move on but i want to go back i want to cry i want to stay strong. i want someone to hold me and tell me for once my life will get better that i will be OK. but there's no one out there that can make me feel better its not possible to reach into someones heart and pull out their pain. i wish it was but its not. i cant deal anymore there is nothing i can do moving on hurts looking back hurts staying still hurts. i just don't know what to do anymore. i used to want him to text me and say hey or something but now that i think of it he has the right idea. i think i wanted him to text me because i was still holding on to him still wanted him but now i think i know why he doesn't text me. i think he wants me to let go and i think he knows that him not being in my life all the time will make it easier. and i see that now cause i thought of it as if i saw that he texted me i would get all excited and my heart would jump out of my chest and then i thought.... wait a minute that would give me false hope that he still likes me. and i see it now and I'm OK with it now. eventually i will get to the point where i can text him and he will (hopefully) text me back and have it be a normal conversation and maybe that will take both of us time.

normality?

my cousins facebook status really made me think. she said i shouldn't let little things bother me and just let go already. i don't know what shes talking about but that's exactly how i feel. but its not the little things people do its the little things i remember and i need to let that go. but the more i try the harder it gets. i mean I'm doing everything i possibly can to move on and i mean i have a lot but I'm still not perfect yet. and I'm wondering if i will ever be 100% again. now that doesn't mean i wont try but to explain it in the most simple way possible imagine there's 4 steps to getting over something like this. now the first week your at step 1 and the next week your at step 2 and so on and now your at step 4 but week 5 then one day your back at step 1 then the next day your at 4 again. its like coming this far means nothing every time i fall back to step 1 and then I'm fine but then i fall. its kinda like being drunk sometimes you can walk and then you fall randomly. I'm honestly out of options I've tried everything i can think of. today is one of those days when i fell. i haven't fallen too hard but just enough to bum me out. i need someone to reach into my life and pick me up and be my support as i stumble on back to normality. now i know my friends have done all they can to help me but now i need someone else someone that can fill the space that at this time is empty. that will most likely help pull me up. but i can just take any random person. there is one kid i think is good but I'm almost afraid to really like him cause what if he thinks he might like me but when he hears everything i did will he turn and run from me? will he understand that i once had problems but I'm OK now? i just don't know i guess ill just have to see how this all plays out.

with life comes love, pain, and lessons

all day today I've been kinda bummed out. i was thinking of him all day but not in the same way i usually do. i think i just realized that I'm over him as a person but I'm not yet over the relationship we had. i think now instead of missing him i miss talking to someone. i miss having someone listen to me ramble then at the end of my story i miss someone showing me support. i miss having someone tell me they love me. i miss someone just holding me. i think that's why on Monday i let everything kinda just happen because i miss that. but i realized that i don't need him per say to give that to me there are other people that can do the same thing. for a long time i thought all i wanted was to have him back but i think it was more i wanted our relationship back like just the things we could do together the things i could tell him just having him there. i realize that there will be someone that can do the same things for me. there will be someone that can make me laugh and make me feel good. and i think for the first time i don't regret a thing. if i had to live the past 6 months of my life again i would do everything the same way. all the things i have been through have made me the person i am... or at least it will shape who i will be (cause i don't want to be bummed out forever haha) i think that even though i have been sad then pissed then sad then happy then pissed then OK then sad to eventually where i am now where i understand everything that going on i think that its just the proses of getting through stuff like this. i think as long as i keep myself busy and just focus on other people in my life I'm sure i will get over this completely i mean think about it its high school this is what high school is all about these are the four year that shape peoples lives its where lessons are learned and mistakes are made. and we all make mistakes and i know I've made ones i cant take back and that i will see for a long time but you know what its OK because i learned from my mistake and I'm OK with living with it. i think i finally got my life back i can now live my life my way instead of years of pleasing other people. my friends should love me for who i am not who I'm trying to be. i got my life back and i learned so much along the way :)

night of endless confusion...but fun non the less

Monday had to be one of the longest but most fun day of my life. i don't mean what happened that night i mean the whole day. we went to the high school and just hung out and even though it was really fucking hot out i had fun. we rode bikes to the $5 store and me and Britt were laughing the whole way there cause i was on the pegs of the bike she was riding and we screamed every time we thought a car was coming it was so funny. the only bad thing was the tire kept scraping my leg and i have a burn on my calf. we then went back to Tony's and just laid on the grass for a while and it was nice. then i rode on the pegs on the bike tony was riding and we were talking for once we had an actual conversation then we sat in the shade under a tree and talked some more and that is what i was waiting for for a long time. we joked around and had fun it was so nice. on the way to Brenden's house i rode on the pegs again and me and tony were joking around and its like the friendship we used to have and it was so amazing to talk to him again. texting him is still a problem but one step at a time right. once the night got started things kinda took a bad turn and i was upset for while then i was out of it really out of it and at 2am i realized that what happened happened and i was just fine with that. i just hope that it doesn't effect the friendship we just started to get back. i mean I'm just fine with it i just know that sometimes he avoids situations that might be awkward but i don't think it is and after about 2 or 3 minutes of not really talking we usually get into a conversation and then its fine and i really don't want what happened on Monday to get in the way of what we finally got back. that day was so much fun i will never for get it.

LoVe DrUnK

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit and run
And I still taste it on my tongue
The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you oh so bad it hurts
But girl, in case you haven't heard
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a barfight
So dont call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing
That would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now it's over
Hot sweat and blurry eyes
We're spinning on a roller coaster ride
With the world stuck in black and white
You drove me crazy every time we touched
Now im so broken that I can't get up
Oh girl, you make me such a rush
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a barfight
So dont call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing
That would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now it's over
All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
I'm checking into rehab
Cause everything that we had
Didn't mean a thing to you
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now i'm sober
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it's just a barfight
So dont call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye
There's just one thing
That would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I'm hungover
Love is forever
But now it's over
Now it's over
Still taste it on my tongue
Now it's over

love drunk
boys like girls
(thanks to steph who showed this song to hallie who showed it to me... so thanksss steph!) :)

I'm sorry

i have to say none of my friends talk to me... then again i don't blame them. I'm not a good friend scratch that I'm a horrible friend. and I'm sorry to everyone. i know we all have our differences but that's what makes us...us. i have been the worst friend ever this past few days and again I'm sorry i just had one of those "lets stay away from people" week. i don't know why but i just felt i couldn't handle it if something went wrong so instead i made EVERYTHING worse. again I'm sorry and i know i tend to say it a lot but its always for something different i learn from my mistakes so unless I'm really fucking dumb this wont happen anytime soon. and i know it seem that i hang out with my other friends a lot but that only because once i go away i wont see them till the end of the summer. so no I'm not leaving you guys even though i made it seem that way. and i know you guys are pissed at me and even if your not somewhere deep down you are. i really have been a bad friend to you guys and i don't want to not be friends with you. we have been through a lot and i don't want to lose a great friendship like that because I'm being a fucking bitch. so i am truly very sorry.

today was OK i guess... well no it was good it was relaxing i spent the day tanning. i decided today that i want to get stronger and i want to workout a little. i really want to work on my flexibility because i used to be really flexible but now I'm not because I'm not in dance anymore. i started stretching today and i can almost do a split again and that makes me very happy. i also want to work on my abs a little because my mom said she'd let me get a belly button ring if she could talk my dad into it (failing! haha) so if she can get my dad to agree i would love to get one. and i also want to look good for my cruise cause i heard you gain a lot of weight hahah so ill look good while on it then fat when i get off and that's fine with me :) i got a really strange sunburn and it makes me laugh. i decided to also work on my back bends and i was doing them so i would fall on the couch... well i missed and hurt my wrist pretty bad but its OK cause i then did it standing on my bed and i can do them now :) we shall see if i can still do it tomorrow. well we shall see if i can walk tomorrow haha all the stretching i did today will hurt like hell tomorrow!

Today

considering i cant sleep i might as well talk about the day i had. i left the house at like 2 and went shopping with 2 of my friends. we all spent all our money in one store then we went to Starbucks and just talked for a while. my one friend said she was together with this kid that i know really likes her and i was truly very happy for them but for some reason every time i think of it i feel weird and i don't know why. i keep trying to think what might be bothering me cause i really am happy they're together i know how much he likes her and i know she needs a good guy instead of all the assholes she gets. but i don't know there's something that just bothers me not a lot. well not even at all really its just this funny feeling and i cant figure out where its coming from. i don't know whatever moving on, the three of us went to adventure land. every ride we went on we did more then once besides the Frisbee because the first time i kinda felt sick then when my friends went to go get on later someone threw up and they didn't want to by on the ride but other then the random moments of feeling sick i had a lot of fun. one of the guys running a ride kept hitting on me and i couldn't tell if i was creeped out or complemented. he was cute but he was like missing teeth and that look just gross but i thought he was cute. my friends would think i was crazy if they heard me say that but whateves. well i went home really frickin tired and very broke. so i put on across the universe hoping it would help me sleep. when i finally did fall asleep it was like the middle of the movie and i woke up bout an hour and half later. i then texted my friend to explain to her about the plans for tomorrow and how i made too many and i was sorry that i upset her cause i kinda in a way made plans to go to my other friends house which i don't even think i can do cause i might have to go to my neighbors house and i don't even know. well now I'm up and its 4 am and I'm hungry which is never fun.

who? what? when? ill never know

I'm warning you now most of this wont make sense it will be random and ill prob curse a lot. lets start with when people say it takes time you'll be OK. well fuck you all! I've waited I've tried and i felt better but i cant stop feeling... i don't even know! well whatever i guess "in time" ill be just fucking fine. my question is how much time? i want my fucking life back! i hate listening to the fucking radio and hearing all the loves song cause every time i hear one i have to tell myself to be strong and not cry. its been weeks what the fuck! i want to go back wayyy back before everything. back to like 6th grade when i still thought i was hott shit. cause you know what my life was fucking easy then. i thought i was the coolest thing and not going to lie i want to feel that way again. all i am is a pair of fucking boobs! and you know what i thought for the first time today, i thought why not, i should just give in to all the people that see me as boobs, let them do as they want. cause i don't fucking matter no one gives a shit if i get hurt so why put myself through the pain? ill just let everyone do what they want. so what if I'm a fucking whore everyone thinks that anyway so who gives a shit. i have lost everything and i lost it long ago, way before me and him. i lost who i was and now i don't know who i am. a lot of people say that but i really have no fucking idea who i am or what i want. I'm three different people I'm the wild crazy bitchy one when I'm with my one group of friends and the small quite smiley simple one when I'm with my other friends. do you know who i am when i go home? I'm the one that has to talk myself out of crying myself to sleep, stop myself from texting people, stop myself from punching my wall so hard i might break my hand. Ive gotten really close to punching my wall and not just to punch it, i wanted to break every bone in my hand. but i didn't do it and i have to tell myself everyday that its not worth it, but the answer i come up with all the time is, neither am i. my life has very little value. its not even like I'm a good friend, in fact I'm a horrible one. i am a god awful friend. i avoid people, i get into bad situation, and I'm a fucking bitch. maybe that's 3 people in my life left me, I'm a fucking bitch. i complain and complain and tell stories no one wants to hear, half the time no ones listening any way. everyone's life would be so much better if i fell off the face of the earth and no one saw me again. i don't even think anyone would care if i disappeared i know i wouldn't care if i disappeared, not died, just disappeared left their lives. there would be a lot of people that would smile at the fact I'm gone cause like i said who would want to deal with and mean bitchy story teller. and do you know all my stories are just so people can pay attention to me? well half the stories i tell are just so i can talk and people will listen... I'm an attention whore. i know that, Ive always known that. not that some of the things I've done in the past were for attention but i say i look bad so someone will tell me i look good. i say my ass is small so that someone will say no i love your ass. that's all i ever wanted was a complement. now there are parts of me that i do hate but that's for other reasons. i mostly hate who i am and do you know why? because i don't know who i am i hate that! i hate that i cant find myself, i hate it so much. i hate how i can be so mean to people. i hate that at the end of the day I'm not happy with me. i hate that i complain. i hate that i say the wrong thing. and i hate that i never fought for what i wanted. but its all to late. people never change for the good or the bad they just pretend and i don't want to pretend anymore... but what choice do i have?