Power of a song

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go

I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No ones ever turned you over
No ones tried To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl (boy)
Bless your heart
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn
Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl (boy)
I cant breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be,be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby

I cant live without you

Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

Disease by Matchbox twenty

Its odd that i can relate to a song so much. i mean some songs i hear have a line or two i would say to someone but this whole song is what i think all the time. plus its a very good song

My hands are out will you reach for them?

i wish i had the right words to say. i wish i could tell that it will all be OK. that even if she is angry all the time that it will get better. but how do you tell someone that when there mind is set on being miserable. not that they want to be but there's no way to change anything there's only so much i can do. i want to do more and I'm here for her i always will be. i know she needs someone cause her friends treat her like shit and she doesn't deserve that at all. its all unfair that such a pretty girl with lots of talent has to be treated like shes nothing and now she feels like shes nothing and there is noting i can say to change that. I'm doing all i can to save her. shes begging for help and I'm trying but i don't know what to say shes so lost. and I'm lost myself we both need to find our way home but she is so lost. and she is screaming out for me to help her. shes screaming to me and I'm holding my hand out to help her but I'm just not strong enough to pull her up not on my own i need help. i wish i was like a professional and she could come and talk to me and i would know what to say and how to say it and i could get her help but I'm not I'm a kid and so is she. she shouldn't have to feel this way to teen should. i want to make her feel better i just don't know how. all i can do is tell her I'm here I'm always here. that all i know that i have to say. cause i know that for someone ready to jump at any moment they NEED to know that there is someone who will grab their arm and say "don't your better then that you deserve more and your life has more value then you'll ever know" that's what i keep saying cause i don't want her to go to a place where she may never come back so if i can prolong that for as long as i can then i will. she really is an amazing person and she thinks so little of herself and shes gone to great lengths to try and change something that was never wrong and now she is emotionally scared from it and its sad cause shes an awesome friend and her friends treat her like shit. i wish there was one guy that pulled his head out of his ass and said wow look at her shes such a nice girl and maybe then she'd start to feel better and then it will all start to get better. she needs someone, someone more then me. someone that will hold her and say he loves her she needs that and i cant give her that the same way that a guy could cause putting a friend in a place where a guy should be doesn't solve her problem. why do guys have to be so mean? why does the one guy that could save her life not even care that shes alive? i just wish that some guy will just go up to her and tell her shes the most amazing thing in the world. i know there has to be someone out there that sees her that way but why wont he just come out and say it? for now hang in there love i will do everything in my power to help you out if the place your in.

More food? really?

today was an odd day. my whole family came over for my brothers graduation. we watched it on the TV and we all got so bored we went outside. my little cousin kept following me around when all i wanted was to be left alone. i don't know why but Ive been eating lot lately i mean i had 2 bagels then chips and popcorn then i had another bagel and more chips and popcorn and other snacks, and for dinner i had steak corn on the cob 2 artichoke dishes and cake and another bagel and I'm still fucking hungry. this is coming from the girl that didn't eat for a week cause i wasn't hungry. now I'm fucking starving and i ate sooo much. this is getting ridiculous if i was eating good food i wouldn't care so much if i was eating good but I'm eating junk and its not good. and now that I'm talking about food i want a taco. does anyone see what i mean? i have eaten more food in a day then i do in 3 weeks and I'm still thinking of food. i just don't understand i used to get full just looking at food now i want to eat my fucking house and its gross. i gained 4 pounds in 2 days and that's not good for a short person because it shows. i mean so far its not to bad but if i keep going on like this it will become a problem. and i cant even ask some of my friends because they get mad a me they say but your so skinny. well if i keep eating like this i wont be. id rather stop it now then have to worry about it later. i know people that have gone to extremes to loss wight and i know people that think that's what i do. i swear i don't i thought about it when i was younger but i never actually did it. but whatever i guess i just have to watch what i eat.

Gives you hell

you want to know whats ironic? the day you asked me out the song gives you hell came on like 8 times, and they day you broke up with me it was playing on the bus. to think we started and stopped our relationship with one song. when i first heard the song i thought i knew what it meant. every time it played i would think of Joe... well now i know the true meaning of that song. " i wake up every evening with a big smile on my face and it never feels out of place." it took me almost a month to get there but now that's what happens to me every morning when i wake up. and it feels good to wake up and fucking smile cause for so long i just wanted to cry. well i guess everyone was right it would take some time. "and when you see my face i hope it gives you hell" because that's what happened every time i saw you. well not anymore. I'm better then that what you did wasn't fair but life's not fair so i had to deal with it and i did. and as mean as it sounds i hope when you listen to your ipod and you hear the songs we used to listen to i hope it makes you feel how i felt cause i didn't deserve that but you did it anyway. Ive moved no with my life and i know this all sounds mean its just cause i need to get rid of all the feelings Ive kept inside for so long. so understand I'm not being immature I'm just saying what has been on my mind lately. because you were such a "beautiful lie"

well now that Ive gotten all that out i just want to say i want to be friends with you but again that's all up to you. there is only so much i can do. so if you meant it when you said lets be friends then let me know you meant it. but if you didn't mean it then fine i will deal with that.

just watch me leave

Ive cried, Ive waited, Ive wallowed in my own self pity but I'm done with all that now. You obviously want nothing to do with me anymore and you know what that's your loss! Cause you know what I'm done waiting for you to realize that everything you thought I was going through was wrong. So go ahead be the way you are. And don't say lets be friends unless you really mean cause you obviously would rather DIE then speak to me. And I'm fine with that now, as I said you are your own person and its every man for himself. So go ahead pretend I'm not alive and then when you have to acknowledge me go ahead and make fun of me just like the last time. You can do whatever you want cause I'm done caring I'm done letting other people run my life because I want to please them. No! Not anymore! I will run my life my way!! I'm done hoping I'm done praying that this will all go back. Fuck that! I'm finished I want to live I want to move on I want to go back to my life! And that's what i intend to do. Its up to you weather you want to talk to me or not. I have no control over you. So choose, leave me and never speak to me or grow a pair and text me cause you said "I want to be friends". Did you really mean that? Or are you like Joe and only said that to make it sound better? Well that's all up to you cause I'm fucking done caring! You shoved me on my ass and now that I'm on my feet and I'm going to walk on. And yes I mean it I will walk on. I refuse to let this control me. For all I care you can fuck a tree or a unicorn or some random chick let them deal with you I'm done!

Good bye love. I'm happy. This is me saying... I'm up off my ass now watch it walk off

what was the line? dont judge a book by its cover?

do you know what really bothers me? when people see me for what i am on the outside. I'm a lot different on the inside then i am on the outside. and the more people judge from the outside the more i start to act like what they see. people see me and the first thing they see is my boobs not that they can help that i know that they are big and kinda take up my body. i just kills me when i try to have a conversation with a guy and hes looking down. i know I'm short but there's a difference between looking down at me and looking down at my boobs. it really just kills me inside and i act like i don't care at all like i want people to look... acting.. i seem to do a lot of that. but how can you be yourself when everyone sees something else and once people start to get to know me the really me the me that likes to sit and talk they will leave. i have gotten really close to people and then they leave me. which is why i don't open up as much as i used to because everyone says i care i want to help but in the end they just make everything harder. do you know i cant look guys in the eye when they talk to me? do you know why? because I'm afraid that they aren't looking at my face. everyday i hear a boob joke or some guy wants to watch me run. DO YOU KNOW DEGRADING THAT IS! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL! no, no one cares how it makes me feel because my feeling don't matter. I'm a walking model with no soul! whatever!

got hugs?

I feel like a lot of things are falling apart. people are putting me in bad situations all the time. they aren't thinking that its bad cause for them its not. but for me they're horrible situations and my head hurts from trying to sort things out. no one understands what they're doing no one gets I'm not ready its to soon no matter how many times i say it no one understands. why cant they just leave me alone? cant they just let me be? i need to think. i need my time. i need my space. but people are crawling up my ass. if i say I'm not ready I'm not ready stop asking me please things are hard enough as it is i don't need you making it worse! leave me alone please, please just stop!

I just couldn't

i had to put this back up. I don't know why but i just missed writing things out. i know that some people got screwed because of this but it helped me understand what not to put on the blog. i have to say I've been pretty happy lately. i still think of him and its hard to think of him talking to other girls but whatever I'll get over that. i wake up every morning and instead of feeling like i want to cry i smile and i say I'm going to be OK today. there are times i think of every we used to have and my heart feels heavy but i pick my head close my eyes and take a breath. life moves on and i do too. i can't keep my feet planted in the ground. i have to pick them up and start walking. one foot in front of the other. day by day. i will get better. i still hold that small part of hope i have but i slowly let go of more and more as the days pass. the last time we all hung out as a group was fine it wasn't awkward at all. there was times when he was laughing and sitting with my friends and i had to remind myself hes not mine anymore. god the music I'm listening to right now isn't helping me if just makes me want to cry. sorry that was random anyway as i was saying i had a good time till he brought up something i had said a long time ago about a name i had liked. well he took it upon him self to tear me apart about it and everyone, unknowing as to how much it hurt me, joined in on the fun. i acted as if it didn't bother me as much as it really did. but whatever i have to remember he is his own person and its every man for himself right? oh well i will smile and hold my head high and when i don't feel like smiling i will paint one on and pretend anyway.