lonely?... yupp

i was making the list for my sweet 16 when i realized something horribly sad. i have no friends. and i mean that too I'm not just joking i really don't have any friends and the few i do have i pulled myself so far away from idk if i can ever make it back. I've lost everything (friends wise) once the summer came around i lost 6 friends. 6! i still see them most i still say hi to but that's it 6 really close friends gone. and the other 5 i have cant say one nice word about each other. in the past year i don't think I've heard any of them say one nice thing about someone when they weren't in the room. and i cant sit here and say I'm perfect I'm not i did it too but when the person came back i didn't sit there and act as if i was there best friend. if i have a problem you know i have a problem. but now my problem isn't with the friends i have its with the friends i don't. i look at pictures of people i know but don't really hangout with and i see them with their friends and it just reminds me of how lonely i am. my friends all have fall back friends...i don't. if i lose the 5 of them that's it i will have absolutely no friends... no one. and it doesn't help that i lost my ability to trust. i stopped telling people how i feel i just leave it bottled up and how it dies but it doesn't i do. and the simple thing to do would be to tell someone right? wrong! i did that and you know what i got in return? i got dumped! i finally trust someone and they let me down. i cant stand if that happened again so id just much rather keep it where no one can find it. its sad when i have to put people on my sweet 16 list that i don't even talk to that much its SAD i have no friends and why not? cause I'm a bad friend. i know i am there is no denying it. I'm never there when they need me and even if i was i lost all capability to connect with my friends. i don't understand whats wrong with me i really don't but i know that there's something that can be fixed in me and I'll just have to live with that. whatever it is what it is. good bye...

came for hell walking to heaven

i looked back at my posts from like July and wow i have come a longg way from then. i was angry then sad and ok then pissed and its veryyyy complicatedd but now im good i dont mind seeing him in the hallway i rlly dont i just act like hes someone ive never met before and i dont mean that in a bitchy way im not mean but i just make it look like ive never seen himm beforee and it works for me. im happy with tom hes so sweet and funny and abusive. its rlly makes me laugh we play around all the timee just pretending to beatt each other. we talk when ever we can and i love hanging out with himm. i feel so safe like i did before but i learned from my past i know not to tell everything cuz maybe something i should just keep to myselff. i feel like i can act like a true idiot and no one would really care about it. my Friend drama drives me nuts and i know some of it is my fault and it will pass but there are days (Like today) when the smallest thing can piss me off more then anyone can beileve. i dont like being like that but it happens. now i have to find a song that will explain who i am and im at a loss idk what song to do but ill figure it outt. well i gg :D

Fireflies <3

You would not believe your eyes,

if ten millon fireflies,

light up the world as i fell asleep.

Cuase they fill the open air,

and leave teardrops everywhere,

you would think me rude but i would just stand and, stare.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that i'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

Cause i get a thosand hugs,

from ten thosands lightning bugs,

as they tried to teach me how to dance.

A foxtrot about my head,

a sockhop beneath my bed,

a disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

when i fall alseep

Leave my door open just a crack

(please take me away from here)

Cause i feel like such an insomniac

(please take me away from here)

Why do i tire of counting sheep

(please take me away from here)

When i'm too tired to fall alseep?

To ten millon fireflies,

i'm weird because i hate goodbyes.

I got misty eyed as they said fearwell,

But i'll know where several are if my dreams get real bizzare,

cause i saved a few and keep them in a jar.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

when i fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep cause everything is never as it seems.

when i fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when im asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

i hear it in my sleep

i don't understand. i really don't. i know how i feel but i keep second guessing myself and i don't know why. i know i love him i really do, every time i think of him i smile and i get the chills (in a good way) but why is there this voice in my head say you fucked up again you fucked up again. it wont stop. day in and day out it screams you fucked up you fucked up! the most confusing thing is i don't know what i fucked up! i don't get what I'm thinking anymore i don't understand my own thoughts and its horrible!! i don't know what to do! i don't understand anything anymore I'm happy then sad then pissed then happy and all in the same fucking thought! whats wrong with me! this has been going on for so long i don't think i can take it anymore i really cant it driving me crazy! what if i did fuck up? what if ill hurt tom? what do i do then? i cant hurt him cause i know how it feels and i would neverrr do that someone ever again! but there it is that god damn voice... you fucked up you fucked up you god damn failure you fucked up every ones life... it wont stop it never does i hear it in my sleep! its in my god damn dreams! i cant make it stopp! you fucked up is all i hear all the time even when i think I'm happy its there ad when i numb its there its always there! i don't even know how to feel anymore! my life is one big roller coaster and i want off! I've drifted as far away from everyone as i could thinking that would stop it... it hasn't. I've ignored people that hurt me thinking that will stop it... it didn't. i thought my deep dark days were over but i guess not. i just keep it in now cause i learned tell someone everything can hurt you more in the end then you may think sucks i had to learn that the hard way. but now i know keep it in and no one gets hurt... no one but me.

A fear of the mind

i feel like I've been cut off. like I've been pushed away from everyone. both groups of friends i have have fallen apart one group no one talks to each other anymore and the other one no one can put 2 nice words together about each other. i feel so alone i spend most of my time alone. but the more i think about it its my fault i have pulled myself away from everyone. I'm becoming the person i feared becoming 5 months ago. i didn't want to be the person i was when i was younger yet here i am sitting home alone on a Saturday. i have locked myself away from everyone and i lost the key. i fear my emotions i really do i have 3 main emotions now pissed depressed and numb that's it. I'm afraid to think to much i fear what i might find. every time i start thinking i have to stop and put my mind on something else. my only vice is thinking about getting in shape. i finally got my friend to promise to run with me and i don't mind doing crunches at home. maybe soon I'll start to feel better maybe something will pull me out of own head.but who knows i sure as hell don't