why must i suffer? fine i made a mistake i get it now but why does this have to happen to me..to us. people are stupid all the time, we did the right thing and now we suffer. why? is my luck that bad? we learned, we know better now..its not fair its just not fair.

with life comes love and loss

With life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss with life comes love and loss.... and so it goes and so it goes... its knowing how to live with it that frees us from the cycle

outcast

god its been so long since I've been on here. i have so much to say but i don't know how. nothing has really changed and that's whats bothering me. its like no matter how hard i try I'm still alone...i have no one i mean of course i have my boyfriend and hes an amazing person he really is but there's somethings i cant tell him and hes the only one i talk to so i don't tell anyone anything and it just sticks with me and i cant get rid of it because i have no one to vent to. i honestly have only one friend i can trust and i don't even talk to her often and i feel so alone i feel like no one cares about me like I'm just trash that everyone set aside and moved on with their lives. that's why i hate facebook all the pictures of people together having fun i feel left out. this whole break if i wasn't with my boyfriend i was home alone. i mean common! that's retarded that i cant even get out of my own house! and some days i didn't even want to go out i just thought well no ones going to call me and if i call them they wont want to see me so why bother. i have become and outcast in my own life I'm just letting everything slip right by me and I'm doing nothing about it. i don't want to go home after school because going home means being alone. i like going to school it gives me a chance to talk to at least someone other then my mother. i stay after everyday. every single day even if i stay alone just because i don't want to go home. i have lost every friend it took so long to get and i don't think i can get them back even if i tried. i know people don't like me I'm not stupid. they can Deny it all they want i know its true. I'm not peoples favorite person and I'm sure there are people the cringe at the thought of talking to me. god every time i think about how i got here i want to cry because i realize this has been my whole life! i have been like this as long as i can remember and I'M SICK OF IT! I'm sick and tired of staying home and wishing and praying that i had friends! 9th grade was the only year i had true friends. a group of people that actually wanted to be with me but that fell apart... and so did my world. my whole life i have never cried so much. i never cried because i was alone i never cried over losing people but that seems to be all i do now. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i have lost all trust in everyone. February is going to be big for me i mean really big and I'm scared! I'm terrified but i cant tell anyone because i know they'll tell someone else and then that person will tell someone and i don't want that to happen. i mean it might eventually but i want to prevent it as much as possible. only a few people know about it, my parents and 4 other people. that's it and there's only 1 person i can talk to about it and though i know they mean well but they don't know what to say so they just say alright and it doesn't help me but i guess its all my fault. i don't know maybe things will get better this year i mean it is a new start right? i can only hope for the best and brace for the worst.

faill

my whole world is crashing down around me while i desperately try to hold it all together i act like I'm fine i put on a smile and shut out the world out of my heart and i sink further and further into a black hole i don't think i can ever come back from the poem i guess you can call it i posted before was something i wrote this morning in my Spanish class and its everything that's been going on in my head for too long but yet i still have to hide everything i have to forget i make myself feel what I'm not actually feeling I'm killing myself from the inside out idk what to do anymore i justt...... fail

Let me be as i sit here and cry till my hearts stops

Hidden, deep where no one can find it, secret love...hate...lust....loss, secret. forgotten by all but one, the one that's hides it. guards it with her life, hidden from all. she paints on a smile while her heart dies. memories pain her and faces remind her while all along her heart withers away. she cries alone where no one can see her. she tries to forget, she begs and begs for freedom but it never, NEVER goes away. her fear takes over her life. her thoughts drift to alcohol. oh how she wish to be someone else to just feel different even if only for a night. she needs the pain to stop her thoughts confuse her more than anything. she tells herself what to feel, what to think, how to act...act that's all she can do. her life is one big acting game... that will kill her one day...

im sorry goodbye

i cried when you left me i cried when you confused me i cried for months then i stopped. everyday i thought of you less and less i the sight of you stopped bothering me until now... my heart stopped when i was looking through pics of an old friend and to see you standing in the background almost killed me and idk why. i guess just seeing you with people i don't like just makes me realize that you too have completely moved on and for some reason it hurts. i guess that as mature i tried to be about it i still wanted you to feel some kind of pain i kinda wanted you to hurt as much as i did. but i have to say I'm sorry i know i must have done something wrong and it took me a while but i think i figured it out. I'm sorry i put more stress on you then you needed I'm sorry i dumped all my emotions on you. I'm learning to not do that. i keep my emotions to myself for the most part. i try and act happier then i am cause the more i do that the happier i start to feel. i don't miss you i just miss the way you made me feel. and i know its more lust then love but i do miss feeling that way. i want you to do me a favor tho i want you to never lie to a girl about being friends. it really does hurt please don't do it. i hope that one day we can maybe be at the point that we can actually say hi to each other but if not that's fine. i just wanted to say goodbye in a mature way this time. i hope you learn from your past as i did and good luck in life.

lonely?... yupp

i was making the list for my sweet 16 when i realized something horribly sad. i have no friends. and i mean that too I'm not just joking i really don't have any friends and the few i do have i pulled myself so far away from idk if i can ever make it back. I've lost everything (friends wise) once the summer came around i lost 6 friends. 6! i still see them most i still say hi to but that's it 6 really close friends gone. and the other 5 i have cant say one nice word about each other. in the past year i don't think I've heard any of them say one nice thing about someone when they weren't in the room. and i cant sit here and say I'm perfect I'm not i did it too but when the person came back i didn't sit there and act as if i was there best friend. if i have a problem you know i have a problem. but now my problem isn't with the friends i have its with the friends i don't. i look at pictures of people i know but don't really hangout with and i see them with their friends and it just reminds me of how lonely i am. my friends all have fall back friends...i don't. if i lose the 5 of them that's it i will have absolutely no friends... no one. and it doesn't help that i lost my ability to trust. i stopped telling people how i feel i just leave it bottled up and how it dies but it doesn't i do. and the simple thing to do would be to tell someone right? wrong! i did that and you know what i got in return? i got dumped! i finally trust someone and they let me down. i cant stand if that happened again so id just much rather keep it where no one can find it. its sad when i have to put people on my sweet 16 list that i don't even talk to that much its SAD i have no friends and why not? cause I'm a bad friend. i know i am there is no denying it. I'm never there when they need me and even if i was i lost all capability to connect with my friends. i don't understand whats wrong with me i really don't but i know that there's something that can be fixed in me and I'll just have to live with that. whatever it is what it is. good bye...