i hear it in my sleep

i don't understand. i really don't. i know how i feel but i keep second guessing myself and i don't know why. i know i love him i really do, every time i think of him i smile and i get the chills (in a good way) but why is there this voice in my head say you fucked up again you fucked up again. it wont stop. day in and day out it screams you fucked up you fucked up! the most confusing thing is i don't know what i fucked up! i don't get what I'm thinking anymore i don't understand my own thoughts and its horrible!! i don't know what to do! i don't understand anything anymore I'm happy then sad then pissed then happy and all in the same fucking thought! whats wrong with me! this has been going on for so long i don't think i can take it anymore i really cant it driving me crazy! what if i did fuck up? what if ill hurt tom? what do i do then? i cant hurt him cause i know how it feels and i would neverrr do that someone ever again! but there it is that god damn voice... you fucked up you fucked up you god damn failure you fucked up every ones life... it wont stop it never does i hear it in my sleep! its in my god damn dreams! i cant make it stopp! you fucked up is all i hear all the time even when i think I'm happy its there ad when i numb its there its always there! i don't even know how to feel anymore! my life is one big roller coaster and i want off! I've drifted as far away from everyone as i could thinking that would stop it... it hasn't. I've ignored people that hurt me thinking that will stop it... it didn't. i thought my deep dark days were over but i guess not. i just keep it in now cause i learned tell someone everything can hurt you more in the end then you may think sucks i had to learn that the hard way. but now i know keep it in and no one gets hurt... no one but me.