I'm warning you now most of this wont make sense it will be random and ill prob curse a lot. lets start with when people say it takes time you'll be OK. well fuck you all! I've waited I've tried and i felt better but i cant stop feeling... i don't even know! well whatever i guess "in time" ill be just fucking fine. my question is how much time? i want my fucking life back! i hate listening to the fucking radio and hearing all the loves song cause every time i hear one i have to tell myself to be strong and not cry. its been weeks what the fuck! i want to go back wayyy back before everything. back to like 6th grade when i still thought i was hott shit. cause you know what my life was fucking easy then. i thought i was the coolest thing and not going to lie i want to feel that way again. all i am is a pair of fucking boobs! and you know what i thought for the first time today, i thought why not, i should just give in to all the people that see me as boobs, let them do as they want. cause i don't fucking matter no one gives a shit if i get hurt so why put myself through the pain? ill just let everyone do what they want. so what if I'm a fucking whore everyone thinks that anyway so who gives a shit. i have lost everything and i lost it long ago, way before me and him. i lost who i was and now i don't know who i am. a lot of people say that but i really have no fucking idea who i am or what i want. I'm three different people I'm the wild crazy bitchy one when I'm with my one group of friends and the small quite smiley simple one when I'm with my other friends. do you know who i am when i go home? I'm the one that has to talk myself out of crying myself to sleep, stop myself from texting people, stop myself from punching my wall so hard i might break my hand. Ive gotten really close to punching my wall and not just to punch it, i wanted to break every bone in my hand. but i didn't do it and i have to tell myself everyday that its not worth it, but the answer i come up with all the time is, neither am i. my life has very little value. its not even like I'm a good friend, in fact I'm a horrible one. i am a god awful friend. i avoid people, i get into bad situation, and I'm a fucking bitch. maybe that's 3 people in my life left me, I'm a fucking bitch. i complain and complain and tell stories no one wants to hear, half the time no ones listening any way. everyone's life would be so much better if i fell off the face of the earth and no one saw me again. i don't even think anyone would care if i disappeared i know i wouldn't care if i disappeared, not died, just disappeared left their lives. there would be a lot of people that would smile at the fact I'm gone cause like i said who would want to deal with and mean bitchy story teller. and do you know all my stories are just so people can pay attention to me? well half the stories i tell are just so i can talk and people will listen... I'm an attention whore. i know that, Ive always known that. not that some of the things I've done in the past were for attention but i say i look bad so someone will tell me i look good. i say my ass is small so that someone will say no i love your ass. that's all i ever wanted was a complement. now there are parts of me that i do hate but that's for other reasons. i mostly hate who i am and do you know why? because i don't know who i am i hate that! i hate that i cant find myself, i hate it so much. i hate how i can be so mean to people. i hate that at the end of the day I'm not happy with me. i hate that i complain. i hate that i say the wrong thing. and i hate that i never fought for what i wanted. but its all to late. people never change for the good or the bad they just pretend and i don't want to pretend anymore... but what choice do i have?
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